How to Survive a Zombie Attack

1. Home is where the hatchet is. Create at home base with plenty of weapons–the sharper the better.
2. Watch expiration dates. Stockpile food and water for long periods of time. Canned food is good. Junk food is even better.
3. Knock, knock. Who's there? A zombie! Be sure to create a strong entry and exit door. Barricade all doors and windows.
4. Your Mom. Trust no one–not even your Mom. (Even if your friends think she's hot.)
5. Have a burning desire. Zombies hate fire. Learn to make fire with everyday objects.
6. Wear protection. Avoid all zombie body fluids. Yuck!
7. Wear sunglasses. A nice pair of shades always looks cool and will protect your eyes.
8. Run for your life. Stay fit and fast. Most zombies run like the chubby kid in your third grade class.
9. Batter up. Zombie down. Keep a large, blunt object nearby and ready to swing at all times. A bat, crowbar or sturdy tree limb usually works nicely.
10. No brain, no pain. Decapitating a zombie is best but kind of gross. Key is to destroy the brain stem.
11. Beware of bush. Stay clear of bushes and shrubbery in general.
12. Stagger and drool. Learn to stagger, lumber and drool. Make zombies think you're one of them. Just pretend you're a gym teacher.
13. Cliché is okay. Always check closets and under beds before relaxing in front of the TV.
14. Boobies are good. Set up booby traps as warnings and alerts. Trip wires and rattling cans are a good idea.
15. Slippery Knobs. Try putting Vaseline on doorknobs. Zombies get frustrated.
16. Nice to meat you. Always leave raw meet out in the open to distract zombies. Better they eat it than you.
17. Always wash your hands. Hey, maybe your Mom was right!
18. Objects in mirrors. Check backseats before buckling in.
19. Don't get mauled. Avoid populated areas like shopping malls and movie theaters. To a zombie, those are an all-you-can-eat buffet.
20. Go all the way. A wounded zombie is not a dead zombie.