Surviving a Zombie Outbreak

Step 1: Evade

If a zombie is spotted in the area you must leave immediately to prevent further infection and the possibility of becoming a threat to others. You will very likely have to run over crowds of non-living friends, family, and co-workers, so take the largest automobile you can, and resist the urge to slow down.

Do: Dress in dark or camouflage colors. Recent data suggest that the non-living may confuse camouflage with actual foliage, and zombies do not appear to eat salad. One theory holds that zombies may be afraid of ninjas so black clothing is always a good idea.

Don't: Smell like a brain.

Step 2: Defend

In the unavoidable instance of direct contact with a zombie, it will be necessary for you to defend yourself. While firearms such as large-caliber handguns and automatic rifles may seem the most effective, experience has shown these weapons to be inferior to more common armaments, such as chainsaws, lawnmowers, and baseball bats. Exception being the shotgun, which is violent enough to make the approved list.

Do: Aim for the head. The non-living brain produces no measurable neural activity, but zombies, like cats, will often desist hostilities without it.

Don't: Aim for the legs. While a successful leg shot may prevent the zombie from chasing you, studies show a ninety percent probability of you later tripping over it, whereupon the zombie will bite your ankle and transmit the infection to you.

Step 3: Report

Once safely away from an area of infestation, call the authorities at 888-WUZ-DEAD (989-3323) and report the location and strength of zombie activity.

If a nuclear response is warranted you may be asked to remove yourself as far as 150 feet from the site. Government scientists are pretty sure that zombification is not the result of radiological contamination. So you should be fine as long as you remember to duck and cover.

If phone service is unavailable you may wish to light signal flares or sirens, bonfires or spotlights to alert authorities to your location. In the event that any or all the above also serve to alert the zombie hordes to your location, please repeat steps one through three.

Do: Remember the three steps to survival. Evade, Defend, Report. In the event that you cannon reach the authorities, ask an adult what to do.

Don't: Forget to charge your cell phone. Individuals without a cell phone should carry bagpipes.